A little leap back in time ...... at the very beginning of this journey, I was researching and reading everything I could get my hands on regarding the treatments for Breast Cancer. One of the obvious questions I had was, will I lose my hair. My Keyworker Breast Care Nurse - Nurse Lovely had already said I would, but I still looked into it anyway. The answer was a resounding YES! I would definitely lose the hair on my head, and most probably lose the rest of my body hair. Considering I had taken the news of cancer and mastectomy so well, I was surprised to find myself having my first cry at the thought of losing my hair. The thought of losing my breast was fine - I would be getting rid of the cancer, but my hair ...... that was not my choice!
I've had long hair forever, I think I've cut it short twice in my adult life, both times I hated it and grew it back straight away. Your hair is so .... you! it's your identity, it's such a massive deal when you change your hair. I admit I completely neglect my hair, I tie it up most of the time for work and running, I don't always blow dry it, I only get it cut about twice a year and I use a box dye every 6 weeks to cover my bits of grey. At 44 with extremely dark hair, I feel that I've done quite well with the grey so far - I've only developed a sort of mallen streak at the front, which my fringe covered. The odd one had started springing up here and there over the past year - but they were plucked!!
Anyway, I decided to follow the advice given on many sites - cut your hair before the treatment as short hair is less traumatic to lose than handfuls of long hair. Now I am lucky enough to have a second year trainee hairdresser living in my house - One of my sons! So Harley and I planned a 'phased' approach to the situation.
Phase 1: (excuse Harley's facepaint: this was Halloween just before he was going out! and another of his passions is make-up art!) We decided to cut my hair a few days before surgery, into a shorter Bob style. This way the hair would be easier to manage while I had limited movement, dressings and drains. As it was a spur of the moment - do it now before I change my mind situation, it was done in my kitchen! a no frills quick chop! the result was OK - although I didn't like it on me (I looked like a middle aged woman - I know I am one, but I don't need reminding!). It was easier to cope with, so it served its purpose.
After 3 weeks of dealing with a look I wasn't keen on, I decided it was time for Phase 2 - and as Harley needed models for his assessments I went along (was chauffeured by my daughter) to his hairdressing academy for an afternoon of pampering and had a pixie cut which was lovely, but - I'm not very good at hair so this was the only time it ever looked like this!! and .... short hair needs stuff doing to it .... every flipping day! I found myself praying for bad weather so I could just put a hat on!
Over the next few weeks I got used to the short hair but craved my long hair back. The short hair just wasn't me! Before I knew it, it was wig choosing time. Nic, Harley and I went along and chose a beautiful wig that was very similar to my natural long hair. It was a fantastic experience - a bit like buying new shoes. The lovely lady brought in a stack of boxes and I tried several wigs on - I was spoiled for choice! Once I had chosen the style, she then ordered the wig in my colour - without the grey bits!! A week later I collected wiggly and ordered a wig stand (not from the wig place - a cheaper one from Amazon!).
While staying with my daughter in Winchester, we had a trial session with scarves. After several failed attempts to tie scarves around my head (you know how every other woman can do and make them look fabulous - but not me!), laughing until we almost wet ourselves at my ridiculous attempts at doing something girly, I decided to buy 2 scarf style hats from the wig shop - another £50 spent!! As I thought about having a bald head, I got more and more anxious about it. I really don't think I can be brave enough to be seen without hair - I was born with hair long enough to tie in a ponytail (so my Mom said), so even she has never seen me bald! (she's now blind, so she doesn't ever need to see me bald .... silver lining!), how am I going to feel when Nic wakes up with a baldy next to him in bed? how is Nic going to feel? I decided to look for a simple, cotton, beanie style hat that I could wear around the house and even in bed if necessary. I found the perfect one (on wiggly in the top photo) - £1.78 from the internet, I call them my dwarf hats due to them looking like one from Snow White - the most comfortable hat I've ever owned. (And I did wear it in bed because my head was freezing cold at 3am!).
By the time I started my Chemotherapy my lovely Pixie cut had grown into an awful inbetween style that was actually a 'no style', my grey was coming through and on full show, and I could not see the point in doing anything about it, because the 'fall out' would be so soon. I felt unattractive and unfeminine, especially as all of my clothes seemed to be jeans or sports wear - which were now redundant. so I went on a little spree to buy some girly clothes. I decided that I would not look like a 'cancer patient', if I looked OK then I would feel better. My mantra since then has been: "get up, get in the shower, get your lipstick on, get outside" - even if its 3pm by the time this is achieved, this has to be done every day ...... it works!
According to everything I read about other women who had received the FEC-T chemotherapy drugs I was having, the average day for hair loss was day 15. Based on this I loosely planned Phase 3 - to shave my hair off on day 14, if it was looking like it was falling. On day 5 (Christmas Eve) my scalp became quite sore, a bit like when you've had your hair up all day, and then taken it out. On day 6, it was so sore I couldn't let anyone touch my hair, every touch felt like splinters in my scalp. On day 7 - the pain had gone! the was a light scattering of hair when I brushed it over the sink, but that was it. I knew things were happening but for the next week everything felt fine. Day 12 some of the soreness returned, but not to the painful stage that it had been, and only in patches. This continued on day 13, but with added itchiness and ice cold patches. That night I had a dream that my hair fell out, the dream was so vivid I was surprised that it was still stuck to my head when I woke up on Day 14, in fact it was looking so 'there' and the soreness had gone, I said to Nic "I think I'll leave the shave today and just see how it goes". 20 minutes later I got out of bed, into the bathroom for a wash and to sort the flipping styleless greying hair, that looks like a dinosaur in a morning (according to 7yr old) - I was leaning over the bath to soak my head with the shower - and there it was, the first handful, and another, and another ........ all of it dark brown hair - no grey! the grey bits were still firmly stuck in!
I wasn't left with bald patches, so I decided to leave it for now and decide later. I had to take my Mother for an outpatients appointment so didn't have time to do anything there and then anyway. It was a frosty morning ..... should I wear a hat? but if I get hot and I took the hat off, would I be left with a bald head underneath? like a monk? ..... I did not wear a hat!
While Mother went in for the worlds longest ever consultation with her consultant, I felt something on my face, I reached up and yes - there was hair on my face! falling freely in the waiting room was my hair!! I had sent a few messages to close friends and a facebook buddy who is fighting the same war - and the decision was made. The shave would be tonight!
Now ( TMI warning!!) - one thing you don't think about when you consider hair loss from Chemotherapy, as I mentioned at the beginning, the hair loss is not just confined to your head!! it is ALL OVER ... so imagine this next tale! while sitting there, hair falling out, trying to ignore it and being grateful that this clinic was for visually impaired patients so no-one is going to see me brushing hair off my face - I decide to pop to the loo. I do the business and wipe (no longer needing the manouvres of post surgery), stand up, have a glance at the toilet ........ Pubic hair scattered the white toilet seat!!!! thankfully I knew it was mine, not a strangers from the previous visit! thank God I looked and not left it for the next visitor to discover (or not as they would probably be blind)! and Thank God I have my weird humour, I just stood there laughing my head off - on my own, in a public toilet! Now I just needed my Mother to stop talking to her doctor, come out and we can go home!!
So that night, when Nic came home from work, he wrapped me in a towel and sat me on a chair in the bathroom and shaved my head to a grade 2. I had to have a couple of 'breathing' breaks, as the anxiety was awful, but he was so patient. I couldn't look in the mirror while it was happening. And afterwards he just held me. It was the hardest thing he has ever had to do for me, and the hardest thing I had to do for myself.... but it was done. I put some of my lovely dark hair (not the greys - they can stay on the floor) into a bag to keep, so I could compare it to whatever grows back. My 7yr old was fast asleep, but I had told her it was going to happen so she wouldn't be shocked in the morning. The only other person in the house was one of our son's - both of our boys had shaved their heads the day before Christmas Eve to raise £1000 for Cancer Research. I walked into Connor's bedroom and we laughed!! and laughed!! and took photos, and laughed - then the dwarf hat went on..
The next day Wiggly made her debut! Phase 4 complete.
A little update; The initial hair loss and shave started happening on the Monday, for the rest of the week the 1.5 cm length hair continued to slowly shed - if I rubbed my head over the bath it was like hair snow drifting down. By Friday, it was looking slightly patchy and thin, but I still had hair all over, but it was sooooo itchy! Saturday was dramatic! I woke up with quite a lot on my pillow, I had a shower and came out looking like a gorilla - there has hair on the walls, bath, floor .... everywhere I went I left evidence, I would never get away with a crime! Throughout the day I either wore my dwarf hat, or my wig when I went out, but everytime I took one or the other off there was a distinct difference in hair loss.
Sunday morning - at the time of writing, as you can see, my head looks like a newly hatched chick! quite fluffy with a couple of stubborn patches. I tried on my expensive scarf hats - and I hate them! I'm happier to stick to my £1.78 dwarf hats thankyou very much. My self-confidence is battered, but with my wig and lipstick on I can pretend that there is nothing untoward going on. Nic has helped me in every way, complimenting me but being honest, reasuring and always there for a cuddle and a joke!
www.breastcancercare.org.uk
www.macmillan.org.uk
www.cancerresearchuk.org
I loved meeting wiggy earlier! You look amazing! ❤❤
ReplyDelete