17) A wedding with a sore boob and a Goodbye

I couldn't write a whole page on Radiotherapy, as it's really quite boring! very much the anti-climax I expected. The trip begins with a CT scan and a tattooing session - unfortunate you don't get a say in the design of the tattoos, they are just 3 tiny black dots, used to ensure perfect line-up of the machine each time. Then its a trip everyday to the unit, Monday to Friday for 3 weeks (15 sessions in my case, some people have different amounts), lie on a couch, arms above your head, baps out, zone out for 10 minutes - and that's it! all done!! Now I did have a wobble on my second session, I suddenly felt very vulnerable and exposed. But once I'd talked to one of the team the next day, the staff took great care to slow things down, and make me feel much more comfortable.

When the radiotherapy had finished, it was explained to me that it continues to work in your body for a few weeks, so my skin would continue to redden and get sore, I was advised not to wear a bra for a few weeks. Not the best look when your boobs are wonky!

During this time, I was also preparing for our wedding - which has helped massively to distract my mind throughout all of the treatment. My Treatment finished on 26th May and we got married on 27th May - nothing like a tight deadline! It was a beautiful, relaxed day  - and definitely a great celebration to mark the end of my treatment. 

So that is it! Active treatment is over. My plan is now 6 monthly Breast surgeon checks and yearly Mammograms, an Oncology review in July, some Psychotherapy to make sure I'm OK post-treatment (apparently this is the hardest time), and some Complementary therapies just because it was offered! My hair is growing back - in all areas, tamoxifen is not nearly as scary as I thought, and my sore boob will get better very soon.

Breast Cancer has been the hardest thing I've faced in my life, but I've got through it, I feel like I stared death in the eyes and said "Not yet Mate! Not my time yet!". Breast Cancer and the treatments have changed my physically and mentally forever and now is time to find my "new normal". But what do I want my New Normal to be? 

I've been given the OK to run again - the thing I love to do most, so I've been referred to a local gym who have Cancer Rehab specialists to help me (to stop me from doing too much too soon), being fit, active and healthy is me, and will continue to be. I have to think about going back to work at some point - but there will be physical challenges there too. And I have to remember those who dropped everything to support me through this, now have to pick up the things they dropped and get back to their normal lives. So this is really another little journey I'm starting. 

So at this point, I'm going to sign off from this blog. I want to Thank every person who has read this, learned from it, sent messages and comments - and especially those who encouraged me to write this in the first place - it has been a therapy!

Thankyou to all the people who have dragged me through Breast Cancer - my husband, my children, my Mum, and my fabulous friends. The walks, the coffee's, the cakes, the flowers.

One thing I can say - bloody hell we've had such a laugh throughout it all!

Signing off - A Princess Warrior who won a battle ......... and who WILL win the war xxxx

(16) Goodbye to the poison

The 5th April 2017 - my last chemo session!

I have never felt so excited to be filled with poison!! Its a milestone as big as a mountain - and I have climbed Kilimanjaro and down the other side whilst on this journey. The side effects following cycle 5 were more manageable and less dramatic than cycle 4 - so I was hoping for the same again - and I was not disappointed. The bone pain lasted 24 hours, and I only required paracetamol for it. The muscle aches lasted for about 5 weeks, but on a manageable level, and getting better every day. The taste issues remained an issue - but knowing its the last time of dealing with it made it much easier to cope with. The skin problems were non-existent, and bowels were fine. 

During the 21 days post chemo, I realised that despite the times that I'd thought the whole process was awful, I've ridden this storm really quite well - is this because I was so fit and healthy before I started? was it due to positive attitude? was it due to other distractions (dying Mother-in-law and a wedding to organise)? who knows .... what I do know is, I've been damn lucky! side effects that I have been hit with have been expected, and dealt with. I have managed to stay out of hospital and I haven't had any delays in treatment so far.

I cannot thank the staff in the chemo unit enough (I did send a hamper of beverages and Easter chocs to Thank them), every person: receptionist, support workers, nurses - have made me feel welcome and like I belong. I had hugs galore as I left, and everybody - patients and staff were genuinely happy for me. However, I almost felt guilty and couldn't celebrate as much as I wanted as I left those still battling behind. 

Friends and family have continued to be a massive support, allowing me to drag them out for walks and throwing me a surprise party to celebrate the end of Chemo.

Now for the downside (its really not much of a downside!) - throughout all of this journey Nic and I have been planning our wedding - we had decided not to postpone, but instead to just give ourselves a really tight schedule! and the wedding is to be at the end of May. The wedding was booked 18 months ago, and we've been very organised in buying this early to spread the cost out - so I'd bought my beautiful wedding dress in March 2016 ..... a year ago!

Knowing that most people put weight on during chemotherapy due to the drugs and steroids, together with the huge reduction in my activity, I planned to try my dress on in mid-April, giving time for alterations - or heaven forbid, a new dress! The day came and my daughter helped me into the dress ...... snug to say the least! and the corseted back was gaping.......... and what I hadn't thought about, when the corseting was laced up, the bodice really hurt my scar .......... I didn't feel like a princess, this was no longer 'THE dress'. Luckily I had bought the dress from an outlet - Wed2B in Hinkley - I emailed the company, knowing they had a strict 14 day returns policy. I explained my situation ad told them that I didn't expect anything, but just thought I'd ask if they would consider exchanging my dress. The following morning I received a phone call from them ....... They WILL exchange my dress!! and they were fantastic .... the best customer service, the most respectful staff, and a stunning dress! alterations have been needed to accommodate Barbie boob and Party boob, but we're all set to go!!

So onwards and upwards - the next part of the journey in around the corner: Radiotherapy ........... and a Wedding!


  www.breastcancercare.org.uk

 www.macmillan.org.uk


 www.cancerresearchuk.org

15) Supermarket Flowers

So its been a while since I updated this blog, a lot has happened. This journey is a roller coaster; there are ups, downs and somersaults along the way as anyone would expect. The truth is, I don't like updating when I'm on a 'down' as I want this to be thought provoking and uplifting if possible - not depressing or frightening. However it has to be honest too.

Since the last update I have lost 2 strong independent women in my life. My mother-in-law, Nanny-B whom I've mentioned before; she was the most inspirational women I have had the honour of knowing, she taught me how to rock cancer with dignity and a smile. Sadly she lost her battle with ovarian cancer on February 24th - but she left us in true form, with dignity and style! Her funeral was a beautiful celebration, with several funny elements - just as she would have liked. and we played 'Supermarket Flowers' by Ed Sheeran, as it fits perfectly as a narrative of her last day.

A colleague, friend and mentor of mine also sadly passed away the following week. This lady was one of the funniest women I have ever known, and taught me how to drag my backside through nightshifts! now, although I cant wait to get back to work, there is a shadow on that return. 

However, it hasn't all been doom and gloom. I'm here to tell you about my experience with 'T' (docetaxel, also known as Taxotere - the second part of FEC-T) so far! well its certainly different to FEC, I cant decide if i'ts better or worse, just different. maybe it's a bit worse as I'm not sure I could cope with T at the start of treatment - FEC toughens you up ready for T (maybe!). I've had 2 doses so far, the second being better because I was prepared for what was going to happen. The side effects don't kick in straight away like the FEC, they tend to start on day 3 and last for approx 5-6 days (for me! remember this is my story, everyone is different.) The main side effect is bone pain - in the legs and hips mainly, but for the first time, even my ears ached! I thought I had a high pain threshold and would get through with paracetamol and ibuprofen - boy! was I wrong!! when I found myself in the fetal position sobbing, I knew I needed the hard stuff. Second time around I was armed with Co-codamol 30/500 and Tramadol, and it was much better, I don't think the pain lasted as long the second time around either. Other side effects are extreme fatigue (I slept for 16 hours last Saturday!), and taste alteration - even water tastes of cigarette ash! I have found that Ice lollies help with this, and it is a good way to get the fluids in. Its so hard to drink the required 2.5L when it all tastes so awful, sparkling water has also helped. Friends of mine have had problems with sore/itchy hands and feet, but I didn't, my face still dried out but nothing like when all my skin came off with FEC. I'm just coming into week 2 now, and I'm feeling OK just tired and weak, but I have had a throat infection this time so that would contribute to this. The other issue with T, is the steroids! every time I'm given big doses of Dexamethasone to help protect from allergic reaction, which leaves me very bloated, very red, and allows me to have approximately 2 hours sleep a night! but that's only for 3 days, so its do-able.

Enough of the shite now!! I have had some fun and frolicks too. I have continued to walk as much as I can - some walks being very muddy! but always rewarded with cake - of course!
I am fortunate - as I've said several times, that my friends have been a massive support, and walk with me whenever I need to. 

Another thing I took part in this time was a 'Look Good, Feel Better' session. This is a make-up training session held by Macmillan for women batting the big C war, I went along with my Wiglet friend Marie, and was taught how to apply make-up more effectively, how to give the illusion of eyelashes and how draw on eyebrows (without looking shocked all the time). We met several other ladies at all stages of treatment, some had  completed treatment, some would never be done with the war - but we all laughed so much! and came away with a huge bag of freebies, from some really expensive companies - I felt spoiled rotten!

I also had an evening of pampering from my little person - my hair is growing back, although still sparse, it is about 1cm long now (and dark with a few grey - we don't talk to the grey!), so Tilly decided to put some clips in to make me pretty!! we laughed until we cried, and I finally plucked up the courage to go public with my baldness to give my facebook friends a laugh too! and as I don't like scarves or typical 'chemo hats', I experimented a bit with a bandana!

On the subject of hair growing back - quick update: legs, growing and need shaving, pubic hair starting to grow, armpits are still bald, brows and lashes still very sparse! I haven't noticed any facial hair yet (apparently this is common and I need to ignore it as it will go away on its own), and my nose still drips so no hair there either. and Nails - nails are getting stronger and less splitting, but nail varnish just wont stay on!

I have had the opportunity to put my journey in perspective in the last few weeks: I caught my cancer early on,  I have lost a breast, but have had a fantastic reconstruction. I am going through Chemo which is so, so hard - at times! but I can pretty much predict my cycle and have managed to maintain a 'life' throughout it all, and I am nearly complete. I have radiotherapy to look forward to, but that's fine, and the end is in sight. I have so many positives in my life, that the negatives can usually be either pushed to the back of my mind or twisted into a learning experience.

In the last few weeks I have met:
One lady who has been having chemo for the past 8 years for ovarian cancer! 8 years!!!  
One lady who was treated for breast cancer 2 yrs ago, and its now in her spine. she is now having chemo until it no longer works .......
One lady who successfully beat Breast Cancer, but recently had half a lung removed due to lung cancer.
One lady who has chemo at the same time as me (I go every 3 weeks and it takes 3 hours), however she was there for 10 hours on the Monday, the afternoon on Tuesday, and the afternoon on Wednesday with me.
and, I heard from one of my Wiglet friends, one of her friends had started FEC and her liver didn't respond favourably.

so ....... how bloody lucky am I? I maybe the 1:2 statistic, but despite my low days and somersaults - I'm sailing through!! Thank God and may it continue.

1 more Chemo to go!! Although its awful, I cant wait to get there!! Bring it on!!

  www.breastcancercare.org.uk

 www.macmillan.org.uk


 www.cancerresearchuk.org

14) Kilimanjaro

So my third cycle of FEC chemotherapy came round too quickly. FEC is also known as 'The Evil Red', and boy does it live up to its reputation!! The feeling coming up to the third cycle was a bit like a third pregnancy: Pregnancy no.1 you are anxious because you don't know what to expect, but you make a plan that ends up in the bin at the first hurdle. Pregnancy no. 2, you don't remember the pain because Mother Nature is kind, but you now know not to bother with a plan and just roll with the punches. Pregnancy No.3  - you remember the pain, you know the after pains are worse, it takes longer to recover and you know that life is going to be bloody hard for a while ..... but its worth it in the grand scheme of things, and you get a fabulous prize at the end - a beautiful baby (or in the case of chemotherapy -  survival)! So basically, I was shitting myself!! (sorry for language!). 

I had gone to have my blood tests on the Monday before the planned Chemo session on the Wednesday to ensure that I was well enough for the dreaded beast, and to my horror my super-efficient body had let me down again!! my Neutrophil (a type of white blood cell) count was just 0.7 - it needed to be at least 1.5. It would be tested again on the morning of the planned treatment, so I had 24 hrs to get them up. I researched everything I could for hints at how to get them up, nothing! the only thing I found was some research showing that a vegetarian diet can deplete white cells over a number of years. I decided, as I am a vegetarian through fickle eating and not moral issues, I need to get a grip and think of my health. I would make an attempt at eating some meat. (Fish is now off the menu due to the awful taste changes - it now tastes like oil to me).

The next day was a sofa day! I binge watched TV while I rested, drank 1 litre of coconut water, 2 protein & fruit smoothies and ate a bacon sandwich along with my normal meals. The following day my neurophils were 1.7 - result!!! chemo was going ahead! I was so relieved even though I was so scared - I don't want any delays if possible..... lets just get it done!! (I don't know if it was my diet and rest day that worked, but something did the trick).

After the chemo, I has half way through this phase of treatment - I felt like I'd climbed Kilimanjaro and was standing at the summit looking down and seeing the finish line! I was so elated, and although I knew I'd be feeling awful for the next few days, I also knew I could face it as it will be the last time I'd feel like this! ....... and a small sense of trepidation creeped in .... what would the next treatment (Tax) be like! - shut off brain! don't think about it for 2 weeks when I have my oncology review!!

During the week of awful nausea and fatigue, I also had the added side effect of the skin on my face literally falling off! extreme dryness & flaking leaving my face red raw and bleeding - thank goodness for Aqueous Cream, that has been my saviour. And now - at the start of week 3 I have beautiful intact skin - its exactly like I'd had a chemical skin peel: another free cosmetic surgery from the NHS!! not sure I want to thank them for that one though. I am feeling generally fine, just occasional waves of nausea and fatigue. 

During this cycle, when the fear crept in, I thought about how Cancer has changed me as a person already, and its not at all negative, in fact in a strange way Cancer has been quite positive:

Pre-cancer: I was very competitive in general, everything had to be done perfectly and better than I'd done before, and quickly! this wasn't just with my running or at the gym, this was at work - doing extra things to get on the radar for the next step on the ladder. As a parent - come on get ready.. quick quick quick! haven't got time for this, that or the other. I always felt that as a professional, a mother, a friend, a sibling, a girlfriend - I was never quite good enough, I had to keep trying to be better. I considered my body to be a machine, needs to be strong, slim, never failing, never becoming ill. I very rarely took time off work for sickness.

Now: I have learned Life is not a competition, its OK to take your time and do your best, and that is good enough. I miss my exercise so much - but I'll get back to it eventually and at a slower pace. Work - I don't care if I never reach the next step, I just want to do my job and spend time with my women, doing what I do best. As a parent, I am so much more patient - I have adult children who are everywhere but who support and love everyday in anyway they can, and I have a 7yr old who has suffered more loss than most adults I know, and consequently struggles with anger and anxiety - her behaviour has improved incredibly because I have cancer!! we have patience, and time. We talk instead of being too busy and end up shouting at each other and her having a complete breakdown, we have morning cuddles and weekend breakfasts in bed, we spend time just being with each other and treasuring the moment. As a friend, I have become more aware of the amount of lives that I touch, and certainly more appreciative of my amazing friends who just want to spend time with me and who have put themselves forward to be my "army" - I love them completely and tell them all the time - which I don't think I ever did before - I tell them how beautiful they are, and lavish them with the compliments they deserve, because no-one should go through life just feeling OK, when they are superheroes. My Mum and I have a better relationship than ever, because we have both learned patience through this, we don't expect anything from each other - we just sit and talk, which we never did before because she was too busy, or I was too busy. As a girlfriend, I have fallen in Love all over again with Nic, because he is such a steadfast rock and best friend to me in all this - making me feel beautiful with my bald head and wonky boobs, and yet, even though he has the biggest load to carry as his Mother has just entered the Palliative care stage in her battle with ovarian cancer - he still makes me laugh every single day. My relationship with my body - like every human body - it's not a machine!! it's a 45 yr old human body that carries some battle scars - its a work in progress: it is sometimes slim, sometimes it develops a cuddly layer, sometimes it need some help and rest to get over illness - but its alive! and will continue to be so for a long time. It will be alive until its very wrinkly and has loads of stories to tell.
And anything that I am, to anybody - I'm as good as I can be, and that's OK! I cannot and will not strive to live up to others expectations. I am ME!

And so, here I am - about to embark into another unknown .... the next Chemo drug - Docetaxel (Tax or T). I have a warrior princess friend who has just had her first, so I'm watching her with keen interest for side effects. I am told it is much kinder than the FEC, no nausea! which in itself fills me with relief .... I'm told to expect fatigue and flu like aches. Fingers crossed I will sail through - but as I am a changed person, I will tip-toe through and deal with whatever comes my way - no plans, no high expectations of my super-human body!

And I shall leave you on a cliff-hanger ...... What on earth will happen next week with the next trip down Chemo Lane!!!!



 www.breastcancercare.org.uk

 www.macmillan.org.uk


 www.cancerresearchuk.org

13) How an Angel Touched my Heart

So the next battle in the war has happened - Chemotherapy No. 2.

I had an appointment with one of Dr Brightside Registrar's - Dr Speedy. The appointment as always starts with a long wait in the waiting room. Personally, I'm happy to wait. The person that is holding up the appointments obviously needs longer than the allotted 5 minutes to digest some comprehensive, difficult or devastating news - I would not begrudge anybody that time, I might need that extra time one day, so I'm happy to wait patiently, not harass the nurses, HCA's or receptionists (who avoid eye contact with any waiting patient - as I do myself when I'm faced with a crowded triage department), and treat all the staff with the respect they deserve. The appointment itself literally took 5 minutes: "how was I post Chemotherapy? I'm happy for you to carry on, see you in 6 weeks." I would have been happy to do that over the phone - but as a healthcare professional, I know there is nothing like a 'top to toe' visual check to ensure your patient is well.

The following week, I had my blood tested to ensure I was well enough to receive another blast of the toxic cocktail that is FEC chemotherapy. I'm a fit health individual, surely my bloods have super-strength and will have just batted the toxic substance towards the rogue evil enemy cells. When I saw my results - they were good enough for Chemo, but WOW! they had been battered! White Cells and Neutraphils - important good soldiers needed to fight infections - had all been depleted, close to the cut off margin. That was a big reality check, if that's after 1 dose of Chemo, whats going to happen next time?

And so Chemo no. 2 - this time I had the undivided attention of Nurse Dolphin (she's a swimmer!), absolutely lovely and very like me with my humour, the 3 hrs flew by with laughing and chit chat. Nurse Dolphin arranged for me to have an extra Anti-sickness drug - Emend, to stop me from being actually sick this time, and the experience was again, thankfully, anti-climatic. As with the first time, 4 hours later the nausea started, this time however I was sensible with my medicaton - this was not a competition to see how tough I was, I took the extra drugs on top of the essential drugs as advised. The nausea was still beyond awful - like being on the worst ferry on the roughest sea - but by the end of day 2 it was almost gone. The indigestion started again, and I again followed advice and my GP prescribed my Omeprozole to take throughout my treatment, this worked like a dream, and when the oral thrush started I smothered my mouth in Daktarin and it was gone by the afternoon. I was on top of everything and stopped it all in its tracks - I had learned a valuable lesson ..... how to listen to my body!! The other side effect that took me by storm in that first week was Fatigue - now I'm not talking about feeling tired or weary, I'm talking about being physically unable to keep my eyes open. I'd sit down, and 2 hours later wake up - I didn't even feel myself fall asleep! On the 5th night, I slept for 12 hours solid, a marathon sleep for me - but my body obviously needed it. Since then its been better, but I have regular 'quiet time' on an afternoon, and lazy weekend mornings - Life has taken on a much slower pace.

On Day 6 of this cycle, I realised that my nose hair had completely gone! my nose was constantly running and my sense of smell was heightened. Everything smelled so strong - not necessarily bad, but strong! My sons bedroom ............ stank of farts!! My Fiance sprayed on his usual bodyspray - it smelled like a 13 yr old had been into Boots and played with the samples! the dog .... my 15 yr old, old lady dog who follows me everywhere ....... my life! she stinks!!!!! And then, in the middle of the night, I rolled over onto my right side (Barbie boob doesn't let me lie on this side for long) and cuddled up to my lovely, warm, snoozing man .... I could smell his breath! it wasn't bad smelly breath - just sleepy breath! but it was strong sleepy breath!!, so I rolled over to party boob side - I could feel his cold breath on my little bald head!! so my choices were smelly or cold! what was I to do? stop him from breathing? slightly drastic maybe! So I slept, on party boob side, with a hat on, and halfway down the bed so he couldn't breathe on me!

On Day 6, I was feeling better and needed to get out and about, so my lovely Fiance, my youngest munchkin and I headed out for a rainy walk in a local nature reserve. This is a place that munchkin and I went to a lot in the summer holidays to feed the ducks and geese, but in the winter it's a different environment, and we were visited by so many robins - I even fed one out of my hand. Now I know there are several spiritual/superstitious beliefs around robins visiting you, and I can't help reflecting on them considering this reserve is very close to the area where my Dads ashes were scattered, but whatever the reason they visited, these little birds are cheeky!!

Now for the best bit of this cycle so far .... Day 7, I am now on the up and feeling well - although knowing that this is the week when my immune system is at its most vulnerable. I am ready to get out and about, get some fresh air and exercise (studies show that walking aids chemotherapy patient outcomes), so I drag (literally drag) one of my good friends out to our local forest for a walk in the rain. I was all wrapped up, thick coat, gloves, wig and hat and enjoyed the lovely walk and chat, and we were rewarded afterwards with a coffee and cake in the cafe. However, before we went into the cafe I needed the toilet so went into the public loo just nearby - as I was washing my hands another lady came out of a cubicle, this lovely lady was probably in her late 60's and obviously (from her conversation) had dementia or alzheimers. As we washed our hands, this wonderful woman started chatting to me about her walk with her friends - as I'm not adverse to a bit of chat with anyone, we had a lovely conversation before she suddenly said "I Love your hair, that's a lovely colour, turn around let me see the back" - that wonderful woman, stuck in her cruel battle, will never know what she did that day, in that public toilet! My confidence was boosted to the moon! I didn't tell her it was a wig. We saw her and her friends and husband in the cafe, I probably will never see her again, if I do she probably won't recognise me or remember the exchange - but I will never forget my Mrs Angel.

Top Tip of the day - don't dismiss strangers who start conversation, it might turn out to be the best thing you ever hear.

 www.breastcancercare.org.uk

 www.macmillan.org.uk

 www.cancerresearchuk.org

12) Scaffolding

So this journey involves lots of battles to win a war, battles with the drugs, the surgery, the body changes, the confidence, the relationships. The only person fighting this war is you! and it can be a lonely place.  However, as I've said before - No-one needs to face cancer alone. Only you can fight the war, but you need an army around you to support you - physically, mentally, holistically & spiritually, because Cancer makes you question every part of your life.

Its a cliche, but very true - Some people who you assume will be there to support you, will disappear into the mist. Other people, who you don't even realise that you touched their lives - step up and become integral parts of your emotional scaffolding.

Partners, Children, Parents, hopefully form the strong arms of the scaffolding - they are the ones who see you at your worst and lowest, they see you cry, see you falter, hold you and call you beautiful when you're struggling with the wonky boobs and bald head. to allow you to have your crazy moments, to go along with the panic buys of camomile, food crazes, hats, scarves, and bras. They take control when you are not strong enough, they make you laugh, give you hope, remind you that you're loved - no matter what, and give you the purpose to keep fighting - always.

Friends and colleagues send cards, messages, flowers, sweets, cakes - anything to let you know 'I'm here for you' in overwhelming quantities. There are the friends who let you drag them out walking in the rain and the cold winter sunshine, turn up unannounced with a box of fruit and chat while you're in your pyjamas, take you for breakfast, lunch, coffee, cake to get you out of the house and breathe the fresh air and stop you from going stir crazy in the box that is your home.

Then there are the new surprise friends you pick up along the way. There are support groups and forums for people fighting the same form of cancer, but they don't suit everyone. I have struggled to go along to a local group, and I have found Forums informative at times, but sometimes a little frightening. By speaking out and being open about my Breast Cancer, I was contacted by a friend of a friend who was fighting the same battle, It was just after my first Chemo and she was about to have her first Chemo. This fellow Warrior Princess was a similar age to me, had a similar diagnosis and would be having the same Chemotherapy combination as me. Via social media we began to talk and found that we work in the same hospital, and that I grew up with her husband (small world). Before I knew it, 4 more warriors contacted me or my new friend, all of similar ages and similar diagnosis, but all with different treatment plans, and at different stages - but ALL very positive, funny and like-minded people. We have developed a little group chat where we can chat freely anytime, day or night - we have been known to chat at 4am when some of us were having an insomnia night, and its not all about cancer - its about family, dogs, work, politics, everything! we laugh, we cry, we wish each other luck as we keep track of each others appointments and treatments, we share photos of battle scars and hair loss, we tell each other things that we cant say to anybody else, we ask about side effect - has anybody else had this? or am I actually mad now?. We are all Warriors, and these five women have become a vital part of my scaffolding - and proof that I am right! Even the most shy, introvert person (which I'm not!) can find support and help along this journey. Thank Goodness for social media!

 www.breastcancercare.org.uk

 www.macmillan.org.uk

 www.cancerresearchuk.org

11) Drugs, Drugs and More Drugs

 

Chemotherapy time finally came around. Nic and I went along for our afternoon outing with my little pre-prepared bag with my record book, puzzle books, colouring book, pens, tablet with a downloaded program to watch, lip balm, bottle of water, packet of Worthers Originals and my lucky charms that friends had bought for me. This would take a minimum of 3 hours, and I can tell you that everything in that little bag was needed. I was really quite frightened on this day, I don't normally like to even take a paracetamol, and now I was going to be filled with more toxic drugs than I'd ever taken in my entire life!

We were sat in a comfy chair, and the lovely staff introduced themselves, my Nurse today was Nurse Chatty who informed me what would happen: I would have a cannula inserted into my left hand, (because I've lymph node removal from my right side, this arm cannot be used for cannulas, blood tests, blood pressure - anything!!) I would have a saline infusion, and an initial infusion of Dexamethasone (a steroid to enhance the anti-sickness medication) and Onsdansatron (anti-sickness). Following this a nurse would infuse 5 x 50ml syringes of the Cancer Busting Chemotherapy combination - the FEC part of the FEC-T I would be receiving. Another saline infusion and then I could go home. Simple!

After 3 attempts to site a cannulla into my, actually very good veins, we had success. This has worried me because if these veins continue to misbehave, I will need to have a central line inserted to have the medications through (A central line is a semi-permanent fixture through your chest, it remains in situ until the treatment is over). Nurse Chatty, reassured me that, at the moment, she feels confident that my veins will be fine. Nurse Chatty infused the Chemotherapy drugs, and as she talks as much as I do, the time went really quickly! she gave me some really good advice along the way about resting, diet and no-exercise (as Dr Brightside had said). She also warned me what to expect with each drug: after the first 3 syringes of red medication I went to the toilet - my urine was the same shade as Rose wine!, the next syringe made me feel slightly spaced out, like I had drunk a couple of glasses of the Rose wine, and the final syringe made the end of my nose tingle!!

Following the drugs, Nurse Chatty gave me some medication to take home: oral Dexamthasone, as a reducing dose over the next 4 days, oral Onsdansatron for that night and the following morning, and Domperidone (anti-sickness) to take on top of the othe anti-sickness drugs if required. I felt fine and sure that I wouldn't need the extra anyway - I am such a strong and healthy human!! 

At home, I felt hungry so ate a normal dinner and then settled down for the evening. 3 hours later at 8pm I felt a little nauseous so took the Onstansadron as instructed ..... 25 minutes later I feel like I was on a small ferry on the roughest sea in the world! I couldn't move the nausea was so bad ..... I took the Domperidone!! already feeling like I'd given in (this, like everything in life, is clearly a competition I have to win!!!!). I sat with my head on my daughters (Hope) lap like a baby, a bit like when you're really drunk and find one position where you don't feel sick, so don't move ever - I couldn't sit up, I just stayed there for half an hour. Eventually I felt a little better and went to bed to watch telly where I could fall asleep if needed. A couple of hours later I was back in that 'don't move me' mode, and eventually I ran to the bathroom ....... Vomiting violently, with Nic rubbing my back, and Hope bringing me water. I felt much better after I'd been sick, I settled in bed and slept for a full 6 hours. 

That was day 1 - the day of treatment. **Please remember, this is my journey and how FEC-T affected me - it will be different for everybody!**

Days 2-5: I woke up looking very red! now I do have Rosacea which gives me a pink butterfly shape across my face, this can get very red when I'm hot and with some medications - so this was what was happening, not an allergic reaction, just normal for me!  - I looked like a tomato! this only lasted for a day or two though. I felt nauseous like a bad hangover, and I learned quickly that this is NOT one of life's competitions, I was stupid trying to cope without the extra medication (I had taken the Onsdansatron and Dexamethasone as instructed), and that I do actually need to take the Domperidone three times a day before the nausea takes over. To put it in perspective, the nausea wasn't so bad that I had to stay in bed, I did get out of the house - sometimes I sat in Costa to wait for my family to do their shopping (it was the week before Christmas), but I still got out. I was very grumpy! I had no patience at all, now I don't know if this was hormonal as the FEC-T affects my ovaries and hormones, or if it was because I was feeling unwell - but I was very short-tempered.

Days 5-6: Indigestion, incredible indegestion, like when you're 9 months pregnant. So the anti-sickness tablets could stop and the Gaviscon started - straight from the bottle! (NOT MEDICALLY RECOMMENDED!!!). On Day 5 I woke up with a lovely bout of oral thrush, it felt like my mouth had been coated with Vaseline, this was Christmas Eve so there was no GP service, so after discussion with my Oncology team over the phone and my local pharmacist, I bought some Daktarin over the counter - the thrush had cleared up by the following day. I started noticing the fatigue on this day, however I put a lot of it down to Christmas preparation, my house filling up with family members as they came home from various Universties, and life just being generally busy. I also became very conscious of germs, living in close quarters with lots of people and their germs, and I had been warned that days 7-14 were likely to be my neutropenic days. Scalp pain also started on day 5 - like when you've had your hair up in a ponytail all day, it just aches and feels slightly bruised. 

Day 7: This was Christmas Day, and I felt physically fine. My scalp pain was awful, I couldn't bear to have my hair touched, but other than that - I managed my Christmas dinner!! so all was good. I had a rest post dinner but that's normal for Christmas day. I had organised the day as much as I could  - I prepared the food while Nic worked on Christmas Eve,  I didn't bother with a big cooked breakfast on Christmas day as Nic and Eldest daughter (Emily) were working, Harley, Hope & her Boyfriend popped over to their Dads, so it was just myself Connor & our 7 yr old for a large part of the morning. Nic cooked Christmas Dinner when he got home, and we all went to my Moms for pudding and spent the evening there. I pledged to clean up the next day ...... but woke up to find that my gorgeous children had done it all that night. - I had gone to bed at 9pm.

Days 8 & 9: The scalp pain had gone - completely! I noticed a scattering of hair in the sink when I brushed it, but nothing major. The nausea had gone. The indigestion had gone. Apart from a slight cough and a runny nose I was completely fine. My temperature was completely normal. My appetite was poor though, and it was at this time that I realised that my food plan was a complete waste of time!! I planned to re-assess the following week. My plan would involve *Eat whatever you fancy, get it in!, *protein smoothies to get the good stuff in, *hydrate well, *increase protein in week 3 before the next cycle, *continue with coconut water & probiotic, *stop stressing about exercise until all this is done!.

Days 10 - 13: My cough got worse and I could feel it in my chest, temperature was still normal though. After a telephone call to the Oncology team and my GP, I had some Penicillin just in case anything was brewing. The  antibiotics worked quickly and I was fine. The scalp pain returned but not to the extent it was, it was in patches and just uncomfortable rather than painful, this was accompanied by occasional icy cold spots on my scalp, itching and tingles. My hair felt strange, dry and wiry - it was weird, it just didn't feel like my hair! I still felt very well, but the fatigue - wow! that started to hit hard every afternoon. I felt that my family didn't take this seriously though, because I just carried on as normal (which is another thing I need to stop doing). An open and honest chat was required at this point! As many Mothers will understand, having children who live away at university is fantastic! you miss them every day, but they become independent, they understand the cost of food, they live in their own mess and drunkeness so we don't have to ...... then they come home for Christmas! or worse .... Summer!!! They bring all their mess and drunkeness with them, lose the ability to cook, wash their own clothes and forget the cost of food!! Unfortunately for my little treasures, this time it happened in the middle of a hormone, fatigue fueled Chemo cycle - lets just say, a discussion was had ....... and then I went for some quiet time!! 

Day 14: As discussed on 'Hair today, gone tomorrow', the hair started to fall out today in handfuls, so my Lovely Nic shaved my head. Physically I felt great, psychologically it was emotional and there was a lot of anxiety.

Day 15 - 20: Physically feel great, although my appetite is still not what is was, I am managing to eat little and often and organising my meals before meal time has helped concentrate on getting the healthy stuff in. Fatigue is still something I'm having to learn to get to grips with. The hair loss was a steady shedding until day 19, then it was quite a dramatic fallout throughout the day, on day 20 I was surprised that I still had some fluffy bits and some stubborn patches - there is so much hair on your head! unbelievable!! - in other areas, eyebrows and lashes are still holding on, pubic hair has almost all gone, armpits and legs still need shaving - what a flipping joke!! 

I saw the Oncologist Registrar this week - Dr Happy, a very quick consultation to describe my side effects and for him to say he's happy for me to continue - I couldn't help thinking that I could have done this over the phone, but my medical trained self knows that he needs to see me properly to make a proper assessment.

Now to prepare to do it all again in cycle 2!  Chemotherapy is accumulative in your system, so the effects continue and build, so things may not be plain sailing all the time, but I can hope and pray that it continues as well as Cycle 1.

That brings my blog up to present day, so I shall update weekly to bring you all up to speed in this hilarious journey of survival - Thankyou for reading and commenting.   

 www.breastcancercare.org.uk

 www.macmillan.org.uk

 www.cancerresearchuk.org