13) How an Angel Touched my Heart

So the next battle in the war has happened - Chemotherapy No. 2.

I had an appointment with one of Dr Brightside Registrar's - Dr Speedy. The appointment as always starts with a long wait in the waiting room. Personally, I'm happy to wait. The person that is holding up the appointments obviously needs longer than the allotted 5 minutes to digest some comprehensive, difficult or devastating news - I would not begrudge anybody that time, I might need that extra time one day, so I'm happy to wait patiently, not harass the nurses, HCA's or receptionists (who avoid eye contact with any waiting patient - as I do myself when I'm faced with a crowded triage department), and treat all the staff with the respect they deserve. The appointment itself literally took 5 minutes: "how was I post Chemotherapy? I'm happy for you to carry on, see you in 6 weeks." I would have been happy to do that over the phone - but as a healthcare professional, I know there is nothing like a 'top to toe' visual check to ensure your patient is well.

The following week, I had my blood tested to ensure I was well enough to receive another blast of the toxic cocktail that is FEC chemotherapy. I'm a fit health individual, surely my bloods have super-strength and will have just batted the toxic substance towards the rogue evil enemy cells. When I saw my results - they were good enough for Chemo, but WOW! they had been battered! White Cells and Neutraphils - important good soldiers needed to fight infections - had all been depleted, close to the cut off margin. That was a big reality check, if that's after 1 dose of Chemo, whats going to happen next time?

And so Chemo no. 2 - this time I had the undivided attention of Nurse Dolphin (she's a swimmer!), absolutely lovely and very like me with my humour, the 3 hrs flew by with laughing and chit chat. Nurse Dolphin arranged for me to have an extra Anti-sickness drug - Emend, to stop me from being actually sick this time, and the experience was again, thankfully, anti-climatic. As with the first time, 4 hours later the nausea started, this time however I was sensible with my medicaton - this was not a competition to see how tough I was, I took the extra drugs on top of the essential drugs as advised. The nausea was still beyond awful - like being on the worst ferry on the roughest sea - but by the end of day 2 it was almost gone. The indigestion started again, and I again followed advice and my GP prescribed my Omeprozole to take throughout my treatment, this worked like a dream, and when the oral thrush started I smothered my mouth in Daktarin and it was gone by the afternoon. I was on top of everything and stopped it all in its tracks - I had learned a valuable lesson ..... how to listen to my body!! The other side effect that took me by storm in that first week was Fatigue - now I'm not talking about feeling tired or weary, I'm talking about being physically unable to keep my eyes open. I'd sit down, and 2 hours later wake up - I didn't even feel myself fall asleep! On the 5th night, I slept for 12 hours solid, a marathon sleep for me - but my body obviously needed it. Since then its been better, but I have regular 'quiet time' on an afternoon, and lazy weekend mornings - Life has taken on a much slower pace.

On Day 6 of this cycle, I realised that my nose hair had completely gone! my nose was constantly running and my sense of smell was heightened. Everything smelled so strong - not necessarily bad, but strong! My sons bedroom ............ stank of farts!! My Fiance sprayed on his usual bodyspray - it smelled like a 13 yr old had been into Boots and played with the samples! the dog .... my 15 yr old, old lady dog who follows me everywhere ....... my life! she stinks!!!!! And then, in the middle of the night, I rolled over onto my right side (Barbie boob doesn't let me lie on this side for long) and cuddled up to my lovely, warm, snoozing man .... I could smell his breath! it wasn't bad smelly breath - just sleepy breath! but it was strong sleepy breath!!, so I rolled over to party boob side - I could feel his cold breath on my little bald head!! so my choices were smelly or cold! what was I to do? stop him from breathing? slightly drastic maybe! So I slept, on party boob side, with a hat on, and halfway down the bed so he couldn't breathe on me!

On Day 6, I was feeling better and needed to get out and about, so my lovely Fiance, my youngest munchkin and I headed out for a rainy walk in a local nature reserve. This is a place that munchkin and I went to a lot in the summer holidays to feed the ducks and geese, but in the winter it's a different environment, and we were visited by so many robins - I even fed one out of my hand. Now I know there are several spiritual/superstitious beliefs around robins visiting you, and I can't help reflecting on them considering this reserve is very close to the area where my Dads ashes were scattered, but whatever the reason they visited, these little birds are cheeky!!

Now for the best bit of this cycle so far .... Day 7, I am now on the up and feeling well - although knowing that this is the week when my immune system is at its most vulnerable. I am ready to get out and about, get some fresh air and exercise (studies show that walking aids chemotherapy patient outcomes), so I drag (literally drag) one of my good friends out to our local forest for a walk in the rain. I was all wrapped up, thick coat, gloves, wig and hat and enjoyed the lovely walk and chat, and we were rewarded afterwards with a coffee and cake in the cafe. However, before we went into the cafe I needed the toilet so went into the public loo just nearby - as I was washing my hands another lady came out of a cubicle, this lovely lady was probably in her late 60's and obviously (from her conversation) had dementia or alzheimers. As we washed our hands, this wonderful woman started chatting to me about her walk with her friends - as I'm not adverse to a bit of chat with anyone, we had a lovely conversation before she suddenly said "I Love your hair, that's a lovely colour, turn around let me see the back" - that wonderful woman, stuck in her cruel battle, will never know what she did that day, in that public toilet! My confidence was boosted to the moon! I didn't tell her it was a wig. We saw her and her friends and husband in the cafe, I probably will never see her again, if I do she probably won't recognise me or remember the exchange - but I will never forget my Mrs Angel.

Top Tip of the day - don't dismiss strangers who start conversation, it might turn out to be the best thing you ever hear.

 www.breastcancercare.org.uk

 www.macmillan.org.uk

 www.cancerresearchuk.org

12) Scaffolding

So this journey involves lots of battles to win a war, battles with the drugs, the surgery, the body changes, the confidence, the relationships. The only person fighting this war is you! and it can be a lonely place.  However, as I've said before - No-one needs to face cancer alone. Only you can fight the war, but you need an army around you to support you - physically, mentally, holistically & spiritually, because Cancer makes you question every part of your life.

Its a cliche, but very true - Some people who you assume will be there to support you, will disappear into the mist. Other people, who you don't even realise that you touched their lives - step up and become integral parts of your emotional scaffolding.

Partners, Children, Parents, hopefully form the strong arms of the scaffolding - they are the ones who see you at your worst and lowest, they see you cry, see you falter, hold you and call you beautiful when you're struggling with the wonky boobs and bald head. to allow you to have your crazy moments, to go along with the panic buys of camomile, food crazes, hats, scarves, and bras. They take control when you are not strong enough, they make you laugh, give you hope, remind you that you're loved - no matter what, and give you the purpose to keep fighting - always.

Friends and colleagues send cards, messages, flowers, sweets, cakes - anything to let you know 'I'm here for you' in overwhelming quantities. There are the friends who let you drag them out walking in the rain and the cold winter sunshine, turn up unannounced with a box of fruit and chat while you're in your pyjamas, take you for breakfast, lunch, coffee, cake to get you out of the house and breathe the fresh air and stop you from going stir crazy in the box that is your home.

Then there are the new surprise friends you pick up along the way. There are support groups and forums for people fighting the same form of cancer, but they don't suit everyone. I have struggled to go along to a local group, and I have found Forums informative at times, but sometimes a little frightening. By speaking out and being open about my Breast Cancer, I was contacted by a friend of a friend who was fighting the same battle, It was just after my first Chemo and she was about to have her first Chemo. This fellow Warrior Princess was a similar age to me, had a similar diagnosis and would be having the same Chemotherapy combination as me. Via social media we began to talk and found that we work in the same hospital, and that I grew up with her husband (small world). Before I knew it, 4 more warriors contacted me or my new friend, all of similar ages and similar diagnosis, but all with different treatment plans, and at different stages - but ALL very positive, funny and like-minded people. We have developed a little group chat where we can chat freely anytime, day or night - we have been known to chat at 4am when some of us were having an insomnia night, and its not all about cancer - its about family, dogs, work, politics, everything! we laugh, we cry, we wish each other luck as we keep track of each others appointments and treatments, we share photos of battle scars and hair loss, we tell each other things that we cant say to anybody else, we ask about side effect - has anybody else had this? or am I actually mad now?. We are all Warriors, and these five women have become a vital part of my scaffolding - and proof that I am right! Even the most shy, introvert person (which I'm not!) can find support and help along this journey. Thank Goodness for social media!

 www.breastcancercare.org.uk

 www.macmillan.org.uk

 www.cancerresearchuk.org

11) Drugs, Drugs and More Drugs

 

Chemotherapy time finally came around. Nic and I went along for our afternoon outing with my little pre-prepared bag with my record book, puzzle books, colouring book, pens, tablet with a downloaded program to watch, lip balm, bottle of water, packet of Worthers Originals and my lucky charms that friends had bought for me. This would take a minimum of 3 hours, and I can tell you that everything in that little bag was needed. I was really quite frightened on this day, I don't normally like to even take a paracetamol, and now I was going to be filled with more toxic drugs than I'd ever taken in my entire life!

We were sat in a comfy chair, and the lovely staff introduced themselves, my Nurse today was Nurse Chatty who informed me what would happen: I would have a cannula inserted into my left hand, (because I've lymph node removal from my right side, this arm cannot be used for cannulas, blood tests, blood pressure - anything!!) I would have a saline infusion, and an initial infusion of Dexamethasone (a steroid to enhance the anti-sickness medication) and Onsdansatron (anti-sickness). Following this a nurse would infuse 5 x 50ml syringes of the Cancer Busting Chemotherapy combination - the FEC part of the FEC-T I would be receiving. Another saline infusion and then I could go home. Simple!

After 3 attempts to site a cannulla into my, actually very good veins, we had success. This has worried me because if these veins continue to misbehave, I will need to have a central line inserted to have the medications through (A central line is a semi-permanent fixture through your chest, it remains in situ until the treatment is over). Nurse Chatty, reassured me that, at the moment, she feels confident that my veins will be fine. Nurse Chatty infused the Chemotherapy drugs, and as she talks as much as I do, the time went really quickly! she gave me some really good advice along the way about resting, diet and no-exercise (as Dr Brightside had said). She also warned me what to expect with each drug: after the first 3 syringes of red medication I went to the toilet - my urine was the same shade as Rose wine!, the next syringe made me feel slightly spaced out, like I had drunk a couple of glasses of the Rose wine, and the final syringe made the end of my nose tingle!!

Following the drugs, Nurse Chatty gave me some medication to take home: oral Dexamthasone, as a reducing dose over the next 4 days, oral Onsdansatron for that night and the following morning, and Domperidone (anti-sickness) to take on top of the othe anti-sickness drugs if required. I felt fine and sure that I wouldn't need the extra anyway - I am such a strong and healthy human!! 

At home, I felt hungry so ate a normal dinner and then settled down for the evening. 3 hours later at 8pm I felt a little nauseous so took the Onstansadron as instructed ..... 25 minutes later I feel like I was on a small ferry on the roughest sea in the world! I couldn't move the nausea was so bad ..... I took the Domperidone!! already feeling like I'd given in (this, like everything in life, is clearly a competition I have to win!!!!). I sat with my head on my daughters (Hope) lap like a baby, a bit like when you're really drunk and find one position where you don't feel sick, so don't move ever - I couldn't sit up, I just stayed there for half an hour. Eventually I felt a little better and went to bed to watch telly where I could fall asleep if needed. A couple of hours later I was back in that 'don't move me' mode, and eventually I ran to the bathroom ....... Vomiting violently, with Nic rubbing my back, and Hope bringing me water. I felt much better after I'd been sick, I settled in bed and slept for a full 6 hours. 

That was day 1 - the day of treatment. **Please remember, this is my journey and how FEC-T affected me - it will be different for everybody!**

Days 2-5: I woke up looking very red! now I do have Rosacea which gives me a pink butterfly shape across my face, this can get very red when I'm hot and with some medications - so this was what was happening, not an allergic reaction, just normal for me!  - I looked like a tomato! this only lasted for a day or two though. I felt nauseous like a bad hangover, and I learned quickly that this is NOT one of life's competitions, I was stupid trying to cope without the extra medication (I had taken the Onsdansatron and Dexamethasone as instructed), and that I do actually need to take the Domperidone three times a day before the nausea takes over. To put it in perspective, the nausea wasn't so bad that I had to stay in bed, I did get out of the house - sometimes I sat in Costa to wait for my family to do their shopping (it was the week before Christmas), but I still got out. I was very grumpy! I had no patience at all, now I don't know if this was hormonal as the FEC-T affects my ovaries and hormones, or if it was because I was feeling unwell - but I was very short-tempered.

Days 5-6: Indigestion, incredible indegestion, like when you're 9 months pregnant. So the anti-sickness tablets could stop and the Gaviscon started - straight from the bottle! (NOT MEDICALLY RECOMMENDED!!!). On Day 5 I woke up with a lovely bout of oral thrush, it felt like my mouth had been coated with Vaseline, this was Christmas Eve so there was no GP service, so after discussion with my Oncology team over the phone and my local pharmacist, I bought some Daktarin over the counter - the thrush had cleared up by the following day. I started noticing the fatigue on this day, however I put a lot of it down to Christmas preparation, my house filling up with family members as they came home from various Universties, and life just being generally busy. I also became very conscious of germs, living in close quarters with lots of people and their germs, and I had been warned that days 7-14 were likely to be my neutropenic days. Scalp pain also started on day 5 - like when you've had your hair up in a ponytail all day, it just aches and feels slightly bruised. 

Day 7: This was Christmas Day, and I felt physically fine. My scalp pain was awful, I couldn't bear to have my hair touched, but other than that - I managed my Christmas dinner!! so all was good. I had a rest post dinner but that's normal for Christmas day. I had organised the day as much as I could  - I prepared the food while Nic worked on Christmas Eve,  I didn't bother with a big cooked breakfast on Christmas day as Nic and Eldest daughter (Emily) were working, Harley, Hope & her Boyfriend popped over to their Dads, so it was just myself Connor & our 7 yr old for a large part of the morning. Nic cooked Christmas Dinner when he got home, and we all went to my Moms for pudding and spent the evening there. I pledged to clean up the next day ...... but woke up to find that my gorgeous children had done it all that night. - I had gone to bed at 9pm.

Days 8 & 9: The scalp pain had gone - completely! I noticed a scattering of hair in the sink when I brushed it, but nothing major. The nausea had gone. The indigestion had gone. Apart from a slight cough and a runny nose I was completely fine. My temperature was completely normal. My appetite was poor though, and it was at this time that I realised that my food plan was a complete waste of time!! I planned to re-assess the following week. My plan would involve *Eat whatever you fancy, get it in!, *protein smoothies to get the good stuff in, *hydrate well, *increase protein in week 3 before the next cycle, *continue with coconut water & probiotic, *stop stressing about exercise until all this is done!.

Days 10 - 13: My cough got worse and I could feel it in my chest, temperature was still normal though. After a telephone call to the Oncology team and my GP, I had some Penicillin just in case anything was brewing. The  antibiotics worked quickly and I was fine. The scalp pain returned but not to the extent it was, it was in patches and just uncomfortable rather than painful, this was accompanied by occasional icy cold spots on my scalp, itching and tingles. My hair felt strange, dry and wiry - it was weird, it just didn't feel like my hair! I still felt very well, but the fatigue - wow! that started to hit hard every afternoon. I felt that my family didn't take this seriously though, because I just carried on as normal (which is another thing I need to stop doing). An open and honest chat was required at this point! As many Mothers will understand, having children who live away at university is fantastic! you miss them every day, but they become independent, they understand the cost of food, they live in their own mess and drunkeness so we don't have to ...... then they come home for Christmas! or worse .... Summer!!! They bring all their mess and drunkeness with them, lose the ability to cook, wash their own clothes and forget the cost of food!! Unfortunately for my little treasures, this time it happened in the middle of a hormone, fatigue fueled Chemo cycle - lets just say, a discussion was had ....... and then I went for some quiet time!! 

Day 14: As discussed on 'Hair today, gone tomorrow', the hair started to fall out today in handfuls, so my Lovely Nic shaved my head. Physically I felt great, psychologically it was emotional and there was a lot of anxiety.

Day 15 - 20: Physically feel great, although my appetite is still not what is was, I am managing to eat little and often and organising my meals before meal time has helped concentrate on getting the healthy stuff in. Fatigue is still something I'm having to learn to get to grips with. The hair loss was a steady shedding until day 19, then it was quite a dramatic fallout throughout the day, on day 20 I was surprised that I still had some fluffy bits and some stubborn patches - there is so much hair on your head! unbelievable!! - in other areas, eyebrows and lashes are still holding on, pubic hair has almost all gone, armpits and legs still need shaving - what a flipping joke!! 

I saw the Oncologist Registrar this week - Dr Happy, a very quick consultation to describe my side effects and for him to say he's happy for me to continue - I couldn't help thinking that I could have done this over the phone, but my medical trained self knows that he needs to see me properly to make a proper assessment.

Now to prepare to do it all again in cycle 2!  Chemotherapy is accumulative in your system, so the effects continue and build, so things may not be plain sailing all the time, but I can hope and pray that it continues as well as Cycle 1.

That brings my blog up to present day, so I shall update weekly to bring you all up to speed in this hilarious journey of survival - Thankyou for reading and commenting.   

 www.breastcancercare.org.uk

 www.macmillan.org.uk

 www.cancerresearchuk.org

10) Enter Dr Brightside

Finally the day of meeting my Oncologist came around, I had had nightmares all week about the cancer cells dividing and eating me alive, I was ready for a showdown and to insist on having Chemotherapy. Nic as always was right behind me in this.

I was called into the room where a very friendly young Consultant and 2 nurses resided, he greeted Nic and I with a warm smile and a handshake - I would listen to what he had to say then I would let rip! Dr Brightside began by taking a thorough history from me, including my family circumstances, my job and my lifestyle - no-one had done this so far. "Right then, I suggest that as you are young, fit and healthy, we go in hard with this. I want you to have 6 cycles of full strength Chemotherapy followed by 15 sessions of Radiotherapy. and 10 years of Tamoxifen (an oestrogen blocking drug)" I could have kissed him! I did not need one word of my argument, he wanted to win this war just as much as I did - I could not have asked for a better Consultant to be on my side. I was so excited to be starting the worst thing I'll ever go through (hopefully)!

Dr Brightside explained that my cancer was still in the Stage 1a category - This was what winning the lottery must feel like!! although the cancer had encroached a lymph node and was all ready to run riot - we had got it really early! He went on to explain that if I didn't have any treatment my chances of survival in 10 years time would be 73%, with treatment it would be 86% - I will take any extra percent on offer thankyou very much, I have future (not yet planned or conceived) grand-babies to meet!

My Chemotherapy was to be a combination of drugs known as FEC-T, this involves 3 cycles of one combination, followed by 3 cycles of another combination - 3 weeks apart. Dr Brightside went into all of the side effects of the drugs, including nausea, hair loss, loss of periods (winner!), possible menopause (unsure if this is a winner or not, as I'm not allowed HRT!), bone pain, neutrapenia (loss of white cells - therefore no immunity) etc etc - too many to continue on with. I was given literature to read which went straight into a drawer at home, and I prepared for the more common side effects - I invested in a thermometer.

Then the big question - Can I run? ....... No! (said in a kind and smiley way, not in a 'don't be ridiculous way'). "I don't want you burn yourself out" Dr Brightside explained, "You will feel tired and need to listen to your body and rest when you need to." (I agreed readily as he obviously was very concerned and wanted me to binge watch more telly and take afternoon naps). "You should get out in the fresh air and walk, but not run. You can do gentle yoga but nothing too energetic so you don't exhaust yourself". Now I can go with this, I am happy to accept this because it was said in a logical understanding way. So Thanks to Mr Brightside, I have willingly put a hold on my training (despite still paying for a gym membership that's not going to be used) and will endeavor to do a few walks a week instead and some yoga at home. (at the time of writing, just prior to round 2 - I now know he is not joking! fatigue is real - 2pm most days I need a power nap.)

After being weighed, measured, boobs and scar checked I was packed off for an ECG, and Echocardiogram (scan of my heart), given an appointment for a Chemotherapy pre-assessment check and my first Chemotherapy - 20th December 2016.

 At my Pre-assessment check, I had a long conversation with the nurse about diet and preparing my body for Chemo. I told her about the impending wedding and my fears of delays in treatment etc (if everything goes to exact plan, without delays, my treatment should end the week before the wedding!) - the advice she gave me was to drink at least 2.5L water per day, have a high protein diet and to incorporate coconut water twice a day to boost the immune system. Now, I'm a bit of a planning maniac - my family have got used to regular running plans, gym plans, food plans, anything in the world plans appearing on our fridge alongside the lists (shopping, to do, to buy, lists of lists) and post-its for this, that and the other, so the day after this appointment I spent time planning a 3 week food plan. The plan was quite comprehensive including protein smoothies for the times when my appetite is poor, a probiotic drink each day (apparently helps keeps sickness & diarrhoea at bay), and high protein breakfast, lunches and evening meals (taken from the Joe Wickes Bodycoach books, so they are quick to cook and I don't have to spend too much nausea time in the kitchen), along with my daily vitamin, the coconut water, the yoga, and the walking - nothing was going to be able to beat this body!!

Anybody interested in making a similar plan, because it sound like a very fantastic thing to do when preparing for chemo - don't bother! it's rediculous!  The next post about my first Chemo will explain more ........ to be continued!! 


 www.breastcancercare.org.uk

 www.macmillan.org.uk

 www.cancerresearchuk.org

 

9) Hair Today, Gone Tomorrow

A little leap back in time ...... at the very beginning of this journey, I was researching and reading everything I could get my hands on regarding the treatments for Breast Cancer. One of the obvious questions I had was, will I lose my hair. My Keyworker Breast Care Nurse - Nurse Lovely had already said I would, but I still looked into it anyway. The answer was a resounding YES! I would definitely lose the hair on my head, and most probably lose the rest of my body hair. Considering I had taken the news of cancer and mastectomy so well, I was surprised to find myself having my first cry at the thought of losing my hair. The thought of losing my breast was fine - I would be getting rid of the cancer, but my hair ...... that was not my choice!

I've had long hair forever, I think I've cut it short twice in my adult life, both times I hated it and grew it back straight away. Your hair is so .... you! it's your identity, it's such a massive deal when you change your hair. I admit I completely neglect my hair, I tie it up most of the time for work and running, I don't always blow dry it, I only get it cut about twice a year and I use a box dye every 6 weeks to cover my bits of grey. At 44 with extremely dark hair, I feel that  I've done quite well with the grey so far - I've only developed a sort of mallen streak at the front, which my fringe covered. The odd one had started springing up here and there over the past year - but they were plucked!! 

Anyway, I decided to follow the advice given on many sites - cut your hair before the treatment as short hair is less traumatic to lose than handfuls of long hair. Now I am lucky enough to have a second year trainee hairdresser living in my house - One of my sons! So Harley and I planned a 'phased' approach to the situation.

Phase 1: (excuse Harley's facepaint: this was Halloween just before he was going out! and another of his passions is make-up art!) We decided to cut my hair a few days before surgery, into a shorter Bob style. This way the hair would be easier to manage while I had limited movement, dressings and drains. As it was a spur of the moment - do it now before I change my mind situation, it was done in my kitchen! a no frills quick chop! the result was OK - although I didn't like it on me (I looked like a middle aged woman - I know I am one, but I don't need reminding!). It was easier to cope with, so it served its purpose. 

 After 3 weeks of dealing with a look I wasn't keen on, I decided it was time for Phase 2 - and as Harley needed models for his assessments I went along (was chauffeured by my daughter) to his hairdressing academy for an afternoon of pampering and had a pixie cut which was lovely, but - I'm not very good at hair so this was the only time it ever looked like this!! and .... short hair needs stuff doing to it .... every flipping day! I found myself praying for bad weather so I could just put a hat on!

 

 Over the next few weeks I got used to the short hair but craved my long hair back. The short hair just wasn't me! Before I knew it, it was wig choosing time. Nic, Harley and I went along and chose a beautiful wig that was very similar to my natural long hair. It was a fantastic experience - a bit like buying new shoes. The lovely lady brought in a stack of boxes and I tried several wigs on - I was spoiled for choice! Once I had chosen the style, she then ordered the wig in my colour - without the grey bits!! A week later I collected wiggly and ordered a wig stand (not from the wig place - a cheaper one from Amazon!). 

While staying with my daughter in Winchester, we had a trial session with scarves. After several failed attempts to tie scarves around my head (you know how every other woman can do and make them look fabulous - but not me!),  laughing until we almost wet ourselves at my ridiculous attempts at doing something girly, I decided to buy 2 scarf style hats from the wig shop - another £50 spent!! As I thought about having a bald head, I got more and more anxious about it. I really don't think I can be brave enough to be seen without hair - I was born with hair long enough to tie in a ponytail (so my Mom said), so even she has never seen me bald! (she's now blind, so she doesn't ever need to see me bald .... silver lining!), how am I going to feel when Nic wakes up with a baldy next to him in bed? how is Nic going to feel? I decided to look for a simple, cotton, beanie style hat that I could wear around the house and even in bed if necessary. I found the perfect one (on wiggly in the top photo) - £1.78 from the internet, I call them my dwarf hats due to them looking like one from Snow White - the most comfortable hat I've ever owned. (And I did wear it in bed because my head was freezing cold at 3am!).

By the time I started my Chemotherapy my lovely Pixie cut had grown into an awful inbetween style that was actually a 'no style', my grey was coming through and on full show, and I could not see the point in doing anything about it, because the 'fall out' would be so soon. I felt unattractive and unfeminine, especially as all of my clothes seemed to be jeans or sports wear - which were now redundant. so I went on a little spree to buy some girly clothes. I decided that I would not look like a 'cancer patient', if I looked OK then I would feel better. My mantra since then has been: "get up, get in the shower, get your lipstick on, get outside" - even if its 3pm by the time this is achieved, this has to be done every day ...... it works!

According to everything I read about other women who had received the FEC-T chemotherapy drugs I was having, the average day for hair loss was day 15. Based on this I loosely planned Phase 3 - to shave my hair off on day 14, if it was looking like it was falling. On day 5 (Christmas Eve) my scalp became quite sore, a bit like when you've had your hair up all day, and then taken it out. On day 6, it was so sore I couldn't let anyone touch my hair, every touch felt like splinters in my scalp. On day 7 - the pain had gone! the was a light scattering of hair when I brushed it over the sink, but that was it. I knew things were happening but for the next week everything felt fine. Day 12 some of the soreness returned, but not to the painful stage that it had been, and only in patches. This continued on day 13, but with added itchiness and ice cold patches. That night I had a dream that my hair fell out, the dream was so vivid I was surprised that it was still stuck to my head when I woke up on Day 14, in fact it was looking so 'there' and the soreness had gone, I said to Nic "I think I'll leave the shave today and just see how it goes". 20 minutes later I got out of bed, into the bathroom for a wash  and to sort the flipping styleless greying hair, that looks like a dinosaur in a morning (according to 7yr old) - I was leaning over the bath to soak my head with the shower - and there it was, the first handful, and another, and another ........ all of it dark brown hair - no grey! the grey bits were still firmly stuck in!

I wasn't left with bald patches, so I decided to leave it for now and decide later. I had to take my Mother for an outpatients appointment so didn't have time to do anything there and then anyway. It was a frosty morning ..... should I wear a hat? but if I get hot and I took the hat off, would I be left with a bald head underneath? like a monk? ..... I did not wear a hat! 
While Mother went in for the worlds longest ever consultation with her consultant, I felt something on my face, I reached up and yes - there was hair on my face! falling freely in the waiting room was my hair!! I had sent a few messages to close friends and a facebook buddy who is fighting the same war - and the decision was made. The shave would be tonight!

Now ( TMI warning!!) - one thing you don't think about  when you consider hair loss from Chemotherapy, as I mentioned at the beginning, the hair loss is not just confined to your head!! it is ALL OVER ... so imagine this next tale! while sitting there, hair falling out, trying to ignore it and being grateful that this clinic was for visually impaired patients so no-one is going to see me brushing hair off my face - I decide to pop to the loo. I do the business and wipe (no longer needing the manouvres of post surgery), stand up, have a glance at the toilet ........ Pubic hair scattered the white toilet seat!!!! thankfully I knew it was mine, not a strangers from the previous visit! thank God I looked and not left it for the next visitor to discover (or not as they would probably be blind)! and Thank God I have my weird humour, I just stood there laughing my head off - on my own, in a public toilet! Now I just needed my Mother to stop talking to her doctor, come out and we can go home!! 

So that night, when Nic came home from work, he wrapped me in a towel and sat me on a chair in the bathroom and shaved my head to a grade 2. I had to have a couple of 'breathing' breaks, as the anxiety was awful, but he was so patient. I couldn't look in the mirror while it was happening.  And afterwards he just held me. It was the hardest thing he has ever had to do for me, and the hardest thing I had to do for myself.... but it was done. I put some of my lovely dark hair (not the greys - they can stay on the floor) into a bag to keep, so I could compare it to whatever grows back. My 7yr old was fast asleep, but I had told her it was going to happen so she wouldn't be shocked in the morning. The only other person in the house was one of our son's - both of our boys had shaved their heads the day before Christmas Eve to raise £1000 for Cancer Research. I walked into Connor's bedroom and we laughed!! and laughed!! and took photos, and laughed - then the dwarf hat went on..

The next day Wiggly made her debut! Phase 4 complete.

  
A little update; The initial hair loss and shave started happening on the Monday, for the rest of the week the 1.5 cm length hair continued to slowly shed - if I rubbed my head over the bath it was like hair snow drifting down. By Friday, it was looking slightly patchy and thin, but I still had hair all over, but it was sooooo itchy! Saturday was dramatic! I woke up with quite a lot on my pillow, I had a shower and came out looking like a gorilla - there has hair on the walls, bath, floor .... everywhere I went I left evidence, I would never get away with a crime! Throughout the day I either wore my dwarf hat, or my wig when I went out, but everytime I took one or the other off there was a distinct difference in hair loss.

 
Sunday morning - at the time of writing, as you can see, my head looks like a newly hatched chick!  quite fluffy with a couple of stubborn patches. I tried on my expensive scarf hats - and I hate them! I'm happier to stick to my £1.78 dwarf hats thankyou very much. My self-confidence is battered, but with my wig and lipstick on I can pretend that there is nothing untoward going on. Nic has helped me in every way, complimenting me but being honest, reasuring and always there for a cuddle and a joke!

 


 
















www.breastcancercare.org.uk

 www.macmillan.org.uk

 www.cancerresearchuk.org