So my third cycle of FEC chemotherapy came round too quickly. FEC is also known as 'The Evil Red', and boy does it live up to its reputation!! The feeling coming up to the third cycle was a bit like a third pregnancy: Pregnancy no.1 you are anxious because you don't know what to expect, but you make a plan that ends up in the bin at the first hurdle. Pregnancy no. 2, you don't remember the pain because Mother Nature is kind, but you now know not to bother with a plan and just roll with the punches. Pregnancy No.3 - you remember the pain, you know the after pains are worse, it takes longer to recover and you know that life is going to be bloody hard for a while ..... but its worth it in the grand scheme of things, and you get a fabulous prize at the end - a beautiful baby (or in the case of chemotherapy - survival)! So basically, I was shitting myself!! (sorry for language!).
I had gone to have my blood tests on the Monday before the planned Chemo session on the Wednesday to ensure that I was well enough for the dreaded beast, and to my horror my super-efficient body had let me down again!! my Neutrophil (a type of white blood cell) count was just 0.7 - it needed to be at least 1.5. It would be tested again on the morning of the planned treatment, so I had 24 hrs to get them up. I researched everything I could for hints at how to get them up, nothing! the only thing I found was some research showing that a vegetarian diet can deplete white cells over a number of years. I decided, as I am a vegetarian through fickle eating and not moral issues, I need to get a grip and think of my health. I would make an attempt at eating some meat. (Fish is now off the menu due to the awful taste changes - it now tastes like oil to me).
The next day was a sofa day! I binge watched TV while I rested, drank 1 litre of coconut water, 2 protein & fruit smoothies and ate a bacon sandwich along with my normal meals. The following day my neurophils were 1.7 - result!!! chemo was going ahead! I was so relieved even though I was so scared - I don't want any delays if possible..... lets just get it done!! (I don't know if it was my diet and rest day that worked, but something did the trick).
After the chemo, I has half way through this phase of treatment - I felt like I'd climbed Kilimanjaro and was standing at the summit looking down and seeing the finish line! I was so elated, and although I knew I'd be feeling awful for the next few days, I also knew I could face it as it will be the last time I'd feel like this! ....... and a small sense of trepidation creeped in .... what would the next treatment (Tax) be like! - shut off brain! don't think about it for 2 weeks when I have my oncology review!!
During the week of awful nausea and fatigue, I also had the added side effect of the skin on my face literally falling off! extreme dryness & flaking leaving my face red raw and bleeding - thank goodness for Aqueous Cream, that has been my saviour. And now - at the start of week 3 I have beautiful intact skin - its exactly like I'd had a chemical skin peel: another free cosmetic surgery from the NHS!! not sure I want to thank them for that one though. I am feeling generally fine, just occasional waves of nausea and fatigue.
During this cycle, when the fear crept in, I thought about how Cancer has changed me as a person already, and its not at all negative, in fact in a strange way Cancer has been quite positive:
Pre-cancer: I was very competitive in general, everything had to be done perfectly and better than I'd done before, and quickly! this wasn't just with my running or at the gym, this was at work - doing extra things to get on the radar for the next step on the ladder. As a parent - come on get ready.. quick quick quick! haven't got time for this, that or the other. I always felt that as a professional, a mother, a friend, a sibling, a girlfriend - I was never quite good enough, I had to keep trying to be better. I considered my body to be a machine, needs to be strong, slim, never failing, never becoming ill. I very rarely took time off work for sickness.
Now: I have learned Life is not a competition, its OK to take your time and do your best, and that is good enough. I miss my exercise so much - but I'll get back to it eventually and at a slower pace. Work - I don't care if I never reach the next step, I just want to do my job and spend time with my women, doing what I do best. As a parent, I am so much more patient - I have adult children who are everywhere but who support and love everyday in anyway they can, and I have a 7yr old who has suffered more loss than most adults I know, and consequently struggles with anger and anxiety - her behaviour has improved incredibly because I have cancer!! we have patience, and time. We talk instead of being too busy and end up shouting at each other and her having a complete breakdown, we have morning cuddles and weekend breakfasts in bed, we spend time just being with each other and treasuring the moment. As a friend, I have become more aware of the amount of lives that I touch, and certainly more appreciative of my amazing friends who just want to spend time with me and who have put themselves forward to be my "army" - I love them completely and tell them all the time - which I don't think I ever did before - I tell them how beautiful they are, and lavish them with the compliments they deserve, because no-one should go through life just feeling OK, when they are superheroes. My Mum and I have a better relationship than ever, because we have both learned patience through this, we don't expect anything from each other - we just sit and talk, which we never did before because she was too busy, or I was too busy. As a girlfriend, I have fallen in Love all over again with Nic, because he is such a steadfast rock and best friend to me in all this - making me feel beautiful with my bald head and wonky boobs, and yet, even though he has the biggest load to carry as his Mother has just entered the Palliative care stage in her battle with ovarian cancer - he still makes me laugh every single day. My relationship with my body - like every human body - it's not a machine!! it's a 45 yr old human body that carries some battle scars - its a work in progress: it is sometimes slim, sometimes it develops a cuddly layer, sometimes it need some help and rest to get over illness - but its alive! and will continue to be so for a long time. It will be alive until its very wrinkly and has loads of stories to tell.
And anything that I am, to anybody - I'm as good as I can be, and that's OK! I cannot and will not strive to live up to others expectations. I am ME!
And so, here I am - about to embark into another unknown .... the next Chemo drug - Docetaxel (Tax or T). I have a warrior princess friend who has just had her first, so I'm watching her with keen interest for side effects. I am told it is much kinder than the FEC, no nausea! which in itself fills me with relief .... I'm told to expect fatigue and flu like aches. Fingers crossed I will sail through - but as I am a changed person, I will tip-toe through and deal with whatever comes my way - no plans, no high expectations of my super-human body!
And I shall leave you on a cliff-hanger ...... What on earth will happen next week with the next trip down Chemo Lane!!!!
www.breastcancercare.org.uk
www.macmillan.org.uk
www.cancerresearchuk.org
